"God and I" - by Shovana Narayan (from DC)

http://www.deccan.com/chennaichronicle/Columnists/Columnists.asp#It%20was%20to%20Him%20that%20I%20turned%20for%20solace

It was to Him that I turned for solace

By Shovana Narayan

Ever since the first conscious moments after my birth, I remember hearing the Bhagwad Gita being sung by my mother. Hence I grew up with an awareness of the presence of a higher being, someone who we look up to and who is known as God. It is to this unseen presence that I have confided my fears, asked for courage and help in adverse situations and have been bitter too on occasion. Even then, it was to Him that I turned for solace within myself. There have been several testing and trying moments in my life.

In November 1977, on identifying my father’s body who had died in a train accident at Rewari, I could not believe that God could be so unkind. Why could we not have him longer? Why did he have to leave us in such a manner? Innumerable thoughts and questions that I was mentally bombarding at this unseen Being! Yet outwardly, I was going about my chores, even performing at the dance festival at Mathura a few days after I had lit his pyre.

Similarly, when my mother died suddenly in front of my eyes, I cried within myself as to why God had willed me to be the one who was destined to bring back home the dead bodies of my parents. Yet again, with my face skin discolouration that finally has led to the progressive skin ailment, I have raved and ranted within myself against His injustice. Why me — a dancer, whose face is the first window in a performance? What wrong have I done, I asked Him within?

I have to the best of my effort tried to help, tried never to think ill or speak ill, and yet, for what was He punishing me, were the incessant thoughts in my mind. But yet, how can I ever forget all the bounty that He has given me — a lovely and caring family and good friends. He has never failed to imbue me with courage, determination and success in traversing unchartered terrains of two parallel professional careers.

He has helped me in my efforts to be humane, sincere and sensitive. Can I ask for more? I can only thank Him for his benevolent care and love.

— The writer is an eminent Kathak dancer

and also a senior civil servant based in New Delhi