Friday, September 14, 2012

A case for quotanomics!


Promoting quotas


Jug Suraiya

13 September 2012, 09:58 PM IST


A highly-placed source in the PMO, on conditions of anonymity, revealed to the TOI today that a special team of mathematicians and economists from Harvard Business School has formulated a new branch of statistical economics specifically for use in India where quotas for promotions in government jobs have created another bone of contention in a Parliament already gridlocked over the ongoing Coalgate issue.

Called 'quotanomics' by its inventors, this pioneering economic model seeks to solve the contentious and intractable problem of quotas. "The problem as was presented to us was that of a fundamental mismatch between demand and supply: demand for too many quotas and supply of too few jobs," said a member of the Harvard team, which is scheduled to officially present its quotanomics theory for approval to an interministerial group of ministers (IGM) next week.

Tracing the roots of the problem back to the Mandal Commission, which they said was India's greatest contribution to the realm of mathematics since the invention of the zero, a spokesperson for the Harvard team said that the solution devised to solve it had borrowed extensively from diverse disciplines and fields of science, including the General Theory of Relativity, quantum mechanics, Stephen Hawking`s string theory and Murphy`s Third Law of Impenetrability.

"Basically, what we are dealing with here is a situation where not just jobs, but also promotion in those jobs, had to be quotafied, to use the proper scientific term. The quotafication had to include not just SCs/STs and OBCs but also had to provide for similar demands in future from HBCs (higher backward castes) and BHCs (backward higher castes)," a quotanomics researcher explained.

However, the seemingly endless caste calculus did not end there. For every day new caste formations seemed to spring up like mushrooms out of nowhere. For instance there was a self-created caste of people who did not believe in the caste system as such but did believe in caste quotas. So how were all these professedly casteless people to be given caste quotas? Then there was another group of people who had got themselves clinically certified as having split, or multiple, personalities which meant that each of them claimed simultaneously to belong to several castes, one for each separate personality. How could caste quotas be assigned to them? Should there be a cut-off quota for the number of quotas each person was entitled to?

"This was where Hawking's string theory, which postulates a space-time continuum comprising up to 16 dimensions, came in very handy," a team member said. "How did one fit a limitless number of quotas into a limited number of jobs, while at the same time ensuring that everyone in those jobs also got promoted according to his/her quota specifications? We hit upon the answer purely by chance when one of the team members left his seat to go to the restroom and another team member took the vacant seat. That was the eureka moment that gave birth to quotanomics: Interpenetrative Mobility, also known as Musical Chairs," the spokesperson elucidated.

Quotanomics will ensure social justice by making all government jobs, from peon to PM, rotational in nature, with any given individual holding that seat, or job, for no more than 15 minutes before passing it to a successor, and so on, ad infinitum.

When asked to elaborate on the details of this scheme, the highly-placed source in the PMO apologised that this would not be possible as the source's allotted 15 minutes were up and the relinquished post had yet to be occupied by the designated badli.

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